


Verbalize

by chimericalCarnival



Series: Gorillaz [2]
Category: Gorillaz
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Emotional Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:22:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23438401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chimericalCarnival/pseuds/chimericalCarnival
Summary: They said 'I love you' to each other twice. It did not end well either time.
Relationships: Murdoc Niccals/Stuart "2D" Pot
Series: Gorillaz [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1677481
Comments: 13
Kudos: 133





	1. Kong Studios-2D

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by xxkaibutsukoxx's art on tumblr. 
> 
> Link to post in the end notes.

The weather outside of Kong Studio was never really pleasant enough to take smoke breaks in. Doubly so when it was on the roof. The constant rain, cold winds and supernatural entities were enough reasons to choose staying indoors instead. But ever since Noodle had joined the band the adults decided to take their smoke breaks outside more often. For courtesy, or whatever. So Murdoc and 2D found themselves standing outside, under an awning, in the rain once again. Like they did everyday since then. It wasn’t their intention to start taking smoke breaks together, it just sort of happened. They spent so much time together it only seemed natural. It hadn’t been a bother to Murdoc before, though things were changing and not for the better.

Murdoc watched 2D from the corner of his eye, letting out a sigh of smoke. Even if the singer was fairly bundled up in a sweater and scarf, he could barely keep the cigarette securely between his fingers as he trembled from the cold. Hell, he half expected him to drop the damn thing at this rate. The idea of giving the other his jacket came to mind, but he quickly dismissed it. It was better not to give him any more reasons to keep himself practically glued to Murdoc’s hip. No, if he gave him his jacket the boy was going to gush over it for a week. Maybe wear it around the studio till Murdoc demanded it back or 2D left it somewhere. Like he always did with whatever Murdoc lent him. So it was better to just pretend not to notice, even if Murdoc did find the image of 2D wearing and showing off his jacket with pride a bit alluring. 

A lot of little things like that got a rise out of Murdoc. Like the way those slender fingers practically danced along monochrome keys or how they wrapped around the mic as he sang. It was practically  _ sinful _ . Then there was the way he tilted his head when he was confused; nose scrunched up and brows furrowed. Oh and how he flicked his tongue against the gap in his front teeth when he read music and when he bit his bottom lip while focusing on something…

Murdoc initially shrugged these thoughts off as just being a product of his perverse nature. He couldn’t help it. After all, anything could be sexual to him. Give him a person or situation and he could work with it. But he knew in the back of his mind that this wasn’t the same. Those little moments with 2D, those small, unconscious actions he did, drove Murdoc up the fucking wall. Not even the sexiest whorehouse in Europe could entice him as much as 2D could by simply being  _ himself _ . 

And that was the problem. 

If Murdoc had just wanted to fuck 2D then it wouldn't be an issue. He found a lot of people fuckable. Plus 2D was supposed to be the attractive frontman of the band. A lot of people wanted to shag the singer, so that wouldn’t make Murdoc any different than them. But Murdoc, for once, wanted to do more than just fuck and move on. He just...wanted to be with 2D. He _wanted_ him. They spent an ungodly amount of time together composing music and discussing the direction of the band. It was just countless hours of them talking and working and he _hated_ how much he _loved every. single._ ** _fucking_** _moment of it_. Being able to hoard the singer, _his_ _singer_ , all to himself and hear him sing the lyrics he made and that no one else has heard- well, it made the bassist nearly growl with pleasure. 

The obsession was only made worse by 2D himself. He may not be aware of the effect he had on Murdoc just yet, but god did he act like he did. The singer was always just a little  _ too  _ close when they worked together nowadays. Long limbs just so happened to find themselves brushing up against Murdoc’s own more often when they sat together in interviews. Then there was the way 2D began to flirt. He may not have been a clever man, but he certainly was charismatic in his own way. Before Murdoc humored the then-teen in their earlier days. Back when Murdoc would barely call 2D anything more than just a bandmate. It had been rather cute to see the teenager awkwardly yet happily toe the line with the older man and Murdoc was more than happy to edge him on. But now they were friends and that friendship was taking a very dangerous turn.

Recently he’s been trying to fix it by putting distance between them. But 2D was too dense to catch on. Even with Murdoc yelling and cussing him out more often 2D, like the annoying little mutt he was, followed along without pause; Always recovering so easily with that stupid smile of his. Like this was just a little game that Murdoc was playing with him. It was beginning to irritate Murdoc. He didn’t do relationships. They were too much work. Too much emotional vulnerability. Everything would go to shit in the end, anyway. Why bother to even try? Even if it was for 2D, who said it would end up any different? If he truly knew everything about him, why would he stay?

“Murdoc?”

The voice brought him back to the present and his scowl deepened.“Hm.” He didn’t turn to face him, refusing to look over and instead keeping his gaze forward. But he could still feel the other shifting his weight from foot to foot, though. Anxious energy practically rolling off the other.

“Muds...we’ve been together for a while, yeah? A-As a band, I mean.”

“Yeah, no shit.” 

“The music we made...it’s been good too.”

“Course it’s good. I wrote it.” Murdoc huffed, turning his head away to spit. Trying to break this conversation before it went farther. “If you wrote it we’d be done for.”

“Hey, not all my ideas are rubbish.”

“Yer ideas are decent at best. But the lyrics? They’re absolute shit.”

2D scoffs, “They’re not all bad. I still think my first song was good.”

Murdoc can’t help but snort and smirk, despite his best effort to keep a cold front “Please. That shallow love song would have put us in the dirt, idiot.” 

“What do  _ you _ know about love, Muds?”

“Enough to know that it’s bullshit.” 

“Is it?”

There is something so soft, so hopeful, in that tease. It makes Murdoc’s stomach churn. Fuck. Murdoc’s smile turned back into a frown and shook his head. “You don’t need to know about love to write sappy love crap. Just need to be clever with words- _ which I am _ .”

“I think I can write a better love song now. Better than you-”

“Just stick with the singing, face ache. It’s the only thing you’re good for.” There’s a brief pause and he hopes that was enough of a deterrent. Enough to make the other rethink whatever they were trying to get at. It doesn’t. 

The singer soon turns to look at him, nervous yet eager. “Murdoc…” 

_ Fuck.  _ Murdoc debates on just running back inside to put a stop to this before it begins. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t have the time, or the guts, to make such an escape. 

“I...um...I love you.”

Murdoc turns to look at him, though he wishes he didn’t. 

Because 2D looks  _ so _ beautiful at that moment. Blue hair blowing in the wind, the front of it wet when the idiot leaned forward too much and got hit with the big droplets falling off the edge of the awning. His eyes shine and his smile is nervous but the energy of it is barely contained. Murdoc can even see the gap in his teeth peeking past his lips. He’s perfect. But that perfection is what makes Murdoc recoil back into the only way he knows.

“Please don’t.” The words are sharp on his tongue and the sound of the thunder even seems to stop for a moment, leaving them in a suffocating silence. “Don’t.” he repeats with a sense of annoyed frustration, “Whatever little fantasy you got in yer head, just shove it. I’m not dealing with it.”

“...”

“You’re young and stupid, 2D. You get these things mucked up with work and shit. You don’t “love me”, dumbass. We just spend too much time together.”

“...But-”

Murdoc looks at him with an angry scowl. It shuts the other up, but it doesn’t wipe that pathetic, heartbroken look off his face. “But what? You don’t know what you’re talking about!” he shakes his head, “We’re band mates. Good ones, but that’s it. Get your shit straightened out.” 

There’s a lump in 2D’s throat, Murdoc can tell. He watches him struggle to compose himself and he finds himself growing angrier at that. Angry at the other’s open displays of emotion. Why couldn’t he let it go? Why can’t he suck it up and make it easy? “...It’s just...I-I thought...we...you-”

“For fucks sake!” Before he can stop himself, Murdoc shoves him hard out into the rain. Murdoc follows, rain be damned, and forces 2D out further, “Do I need to spell this out for you??” He pushes him again, this time hard enough for 2D to stumble and grip the railing. “We. Work. Together. That’s  _ it _ . You don’t know me. Don’t know  _ shit _ about _ anything _ .” Anger keeps coming in waves and when 2D’s eyes water, when his lip quivers, he can’t help but continue,“Why would I love you, huh? You’re a stupid, dense twerp that only got a way into  _ my _ band because I hit you with my car. If I wasn’t forced to watch over your catatonic ass then I would have just found one of the other million blokes out there that can sing.” he growled as he leaned closer, “This is  _ my  _ band.  _ My _ music. You just parrot whatever the hell I tell you and play whatever keys I write. Got it?”

The rain seeps through their clothes fast but Murdoc can’t bring himself to care or even notice. 2D’s face is turned and his hands tremble, the cigarette having fallen to the ground at some point during the scuffle. Air struggles to come in and out of 2D’s lungs and for a moment his chest heaves and Murdoc feels a new sense of annoyance, of discomfort, over the possibility of 2D  _ crying _ but it never goes anywhere. Or rather, 2D stops before it can. He turns his body away, bringing long limbs in to wrap around his middle. “...Sorry.”

Murdoc puts out his cigarette with his foot and he shoves his hands deep in his pockets, “Wake up early tomorrow. The flight leaves at 9.” With that Murdoc turns and leaves a shaking, heartbroken 2D on the roof of Kong Studio. Murdoc tells himself repeatedly that he doesn’t care. Not when 2D doesn’t come in for another two hours. Not when during the interview the next day 2D sits between Russel and Noodle and continues to do so for the next few months. And especially not when they are never that close again.


	2. Plastic Beach-Murdoc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by xxkaibutsukoxx's art on tumblr. 
> 
> Link to post in the end notes.

When he dragged 2D back to Plastic Beach, he knew things weren’t going to be great, but he didn’t think the bastard was going to be this difficult. It wasn’t hard beating the other into submission to sing songs. Still, even if 2D claimed to hate it, he still sang with that same passion like he always did. It took a few tries but eventually not even 2D could resist putting all his effort in the album. A passionate voice filled Murdoc’s lyrics and gave them a life he couldn’t. He watched the other sing those long notes with his eyes closed and eyebrows turned upward in complicated bliss. He watched him lean into the mic when he sang softer, black eyes half lidded with a sort of tenderness. Murdoc let his imagination wander, wondering if he made those kinds of expressions during other things too. He tried to picture those  _ situations _ in detail, letting his thoughts grow more perverse...but then his mind rudely interrupted with different images of the past. Like memories of that stupid, lopsided grin 2D used to give him after recording a song, how he’d hover over him when they replayed the tracks, how he’d just be so happy in Murdoc’s presence the whole time...And then like that all those feelings came flooding back, dragging Murdoc back into that feeling of guilt he was so desperately trying to ignore. When they were done recording he would snarl at 2D like it was his fault. Maybe hit him, if he didn’t get out of the way fast enough. Once he was alone he’d try to chase those memories away with a bottle of rum and some solitude.

No matter how much pain he inflicted on the other as punishment, 2D still routinely tried to escape. Even all the fear 2D had did not repress his desire to be free. He was far from strong, but he was a slippery bastard when he wanted to be. This time 2D had actually made it out of the building and onto the beach, but Murdoc was not far behind. Another failed escape attempt led to another scuffle on the shore as Cyborg Noodle watched from the entrance. It’s over after a few moments, as always. After it’s all said and done, Murdoc is sitting on the ground alongside 2D, both breathing heavily from the fight. Well, fight was a generous and forgiving word on Murdoc’s end. The word ‘Fight’ implies a sense of equality. But nothing was equal about the beatings and insults he has thrown 2D’s way or the pathetic struggle 2D puts up during it. Really, it only ends when either 2D can’t take it any more or when Murdoc grows tired of hitting him. Usually the latter. 

Murdoc looks over at 2D, who keeps his gaze level as he stares straight ahead and out into the sea. Blood drips out 2D’s nose, down his split lips and onto the disgustingly pink and grimy sand. Pale skin is stained various hues of reds and purple and Murdoc is disgusted at himself for finding the image kind of beautiful. Like a distorted sunset created by him, just for him. Once again, old emotions that never left bubble to the surface for the millionth time on Plastic Beach and the urge of trying to make things right hits him in moments of guilt, sobriety and clarity. 

Of course, if any real healing was to happen Murdoc would need to actually  _ apologize  _ first and that wasn’t going to happen. Owning up to his flaws was never something he learned how to do. He knew how to take hits and knew how to withstand insults. He knew how to give those out too. But to accept his failure and realize what he had done...it’s impossible. But he wants...he wants things to go back to how they were like before. All attempts so far have involved,  _ not  _ apologies, but trying to erase and ignore all the awful things he’s done to 2D. As if Murdoc laughs hard enough, if they work on music hard enough, they could all go back to the good times. Back when the band was together. Hell, maybe even before Noodle and Russell when they were sitting on the floor of his flat, sharing a headset and composing music together. 

Before Plastic Beach. Before El Manana. Before Kong Studio.

Murdoc is nervous, but he tries to be nonchalant. Tries to act laid back and relaxed like they used to be before. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s tried to mend their bond. So far it’s been a failure that just leads to more fights. But Murdoc wants this to be different. For once, he  _ wants _ to return that vulnerability and affection he should have done ages ago on the roof of Kong Studio. What’s stopping him? It really is just them on Plastic Beach, isn’t it? “2D.”

No reply. 

“Stu?”

The blue haired singer merely blinks as seagulls cry up above. It sounds like they’re laughing at him.

“So...uh...I know things aren’t...great...but it’s not so bad, right? We got this lovely little island, Cyborg Noodle is killing all the pirates….All the rum we could want, right?” 

No response.

Murdoc scoffs and he tries to break the tension. “Really, you’re making it terrible. I’m trying to make an album and you act like you’ve never done it before. Like it’s the worst thing in the world. All you gotta do is sing. Is that so hard?” 

“I didn’t want to be here.”

“Well, you’re here.”

“Why not just replace me like you replaced everyone else?”

“Replacing a voice is really much harder than-”

“Replace me with the ‘million other blokes out there that can sing’?” 2D gives him a harsh look out of the corner of his eye before looking back out toward the ocean. 

Ouch. Murdoc grunts and looks away as the words are thrown back at him. It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth and looks around for any spare bottle of rum he left on the beach. Hoping for some liquid courage at the moment. But there is none and time is slipping away. “...There’s no singer like you out there. I mean, how many people have no eyeballs, eh?” he jokes. 

It isn’t appreciated and 2D shifts away from with a frown.

Right. Dropping the humor, Murdoc shifts and gets a bit more serious, “Look...2D, this is for the band...for  _ our _ band. I know Noodle isn’t really here, or Russel, but we are. The brains and the voice...Like the old days, right?” Murdoc can’t form the apology he wants to say. He can’t bring himself to blame himself. Doesn’t think he can even begin. Even if everything is really all his fault. It panics him and before he can stop himself, his true emotions come rushing out. “It’s just us and...I love you.”

2D’s breath hitches and, after a moment, he tightens his jaw. 

There was no real set reaction Murdoc was looking for, but this certainly wasn’t the one he wanted. A sense of dread hits him. Why would he say that? It wasn’t going to help. Maybe a part of him hoped it would. As if returning those three words that 2D had said ages ago would be the missing piece to make everything right. He waits a bit for a reply and when he gets none, he repeats himself, “Stu, I love you.” He says it again to reaffirm those feelings that had been there since Kong. It was a rare slip into vulnerability and, like usual, it was going to end horribly. 

2D’s gaze remained forward, but it’s becoming a strenuous effort. That much is evident, given by the slight tremble in his hands. It’s not from the cold this time, but from anger. Years and years of anger.

Murdoc thinks he’ll run, but then realizes that’s just what Murdoc wants 2D to do. It would be a great distraction from all this. Anything to stop this from getting worse and give them an excuse to move on from this conversation. But there is nothing other than the suffocating silence from the singer and Murdoc’s hands turn to fists and he faces him fully. As if he’s ready to hit him again,“Say something, damn it-!”

“I will  _ never _ forgive you.” 

Murdoc freezes and he leans back from 2D as if he’s the one who has just been struck.. 

“After everything you did...to me, Noodle, Russ...this beach, the pirates, the  _ bruises _ -” 2D grits his teeth, “I will  **_never_ ** forgive you.”

It’s Murdoc’s turn to swallow the lump in his throat, but he can’t. 

2D catches on to the bassist’s struggle, but there is no sympathy in his eyes this time. “What? After everything you did you think I’ll just come crawling back to you? That I still loved you like before?” he glares at him, “You can’t erase all the terrible things you did! You’re a bastard, Murdoc, and you’re never gunna change because you just like being this way. Don’t you?” 2D looks away, “Just leave me the fuck alone.” 2D begins to get up, unable to stand being with Murdoc any longer.

Though he doesn’t get far because Murdoc suddenly grabs 2D by his shirt, bringing the other back onto the sand hard. The blue and bruised singer flinches, but the anger doesn’t fade away even as he is on his back. Murdoc pins him down as he looms over him, but that usual anger seems diluted. The two stare at one another, tensions rising. Insults rest at the tip of Murdoc’s tongue but he can’t force them out.

“Are you going to hit me, Murdoc?” 2D yells at him, gripping his wrists. The setting sun reflects in the black of 2D’s eyes, making it look like a fire is burning fiercely within them.“Going to hit me  **_again?_ ** ”

Murdoc raises his fist...but he can’t. He doesn’t really  _ want _ to. After a moment he let’s go of 2D and moves away. When Murdoc doesn’t make another move, 2D starts to get up. He’s a little unsteady, but it doesn’t faze him. 2D watches and waits for a retort or response. Maybe even a delayed blow. But nothing of the sort comes. Murdoc just  _ can’t _ do anything. All he can do is stumble over a weak apology, “...I’m sorry.”

“No you’re not.” The singer’s frown deepens and he wipes away the blood from his face. There are tears in 2D’s eyes, but it’s not sadness. It’s hatred and it burns Murdoc to his core. It renders the bassist speechless. “You’re not.”

2D leaves. He doesn’t try to run or escape, he just heads back to his prison. Cyborg Noodle escorts him back anyways just to make sure, leaving Murdoc completely alone on the shore.

As their footprints fade behind him, he finds himself rooted in that spot. Unable to move or barely breathe. Everything hits him at once. The pain, the guilt...He curls his hands into fists and he doubles over, falling to his knees. Something new falls onto the sand. Small water droplets darken the pink next to 2D’s blood. More fall as Murdoc heaves and he refuses to believe that those tears are coming from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://xxkaibutsukoxx.tumblr.com/post/167016461412/
> 
> Let me know how this is and I might do a happier part 2 for the rest aha.

**Author's Note:**

> https://xxkaibutsukoxx.tumblr.com/post/167016461412/
> 
> Let me know how this is and I might do a happier part 2 for the rest aha.


End file.
